||[Oct. 24th, 2009|07:57 pm]
I've been thinking so much lately. Mostly I've been thinking about becoming a grown up (which..face it, paying rent and bills or not I will never be) and the things I left behind in my adolescence (Well, not just the things, but the people also). These things make me both happy and sad.
I've been thinking about my friend Kayla, a lot. I miss her so much, and I wish we were still best friends. We are friends, but when we talk it's just so damn awkward. I suppose this is because even though we used to be practically the same person when we were 12 years old, we are very different now, yet we will always be similar. She moved to Cross Lanes a few months back, and I've really been thinking about going to see her or something. I should really see her before I move because I don't know if I will ever get the chance to see her after that. I don't want that to be something I regret.
I've also been thinking about Erica, a lot, lately. Her wedding was last weekend, and I was both happy and sad that I wasn't there. I mean, we were best friends, and it hurts me that of all the things that happened, I know some of them were my fault but I didn't deserve the whole blame. I've spent the past million years doing everything she's ever wanted me to do. Really. Looking back I can see that I let her walk all over me, and that's my fault for not standing up for myself. There were good times, though. Sometimes it felt like she was the only person ever on my side, and a lot of the time she "got" what I said like no other girl did. All in all, I know it's best to leave this friendship behind. Things are just better that way. I don't really hold hard feelings for her. I wish her the best of luck with her marriage and life and whatever, but I just can't be a part of her life anymore.
Things with Chris are going fantastic. I get to see him in four days, and much to my surprise, I found out today that I get to see him on my birthday. Then when I got home from NH and take my finals, Mom and I get to go pick up Penelope the hedgehog. I'm really glad that I met Chris. It's kind of ridiculous. It's nice to have someone that can know what I'm thinking before I say it, can always make me smile, and is always up for whatever adventure we have planned. We make plans that are probably kind of ridiculous like: going to Japan, seeing the redwoods in California, touring Europe, etc. It's nice to have someone that has the ambition to see everything like I do. I think moving in with him in January is going to be super scary, but I think regardless the outcome it's something I will never regret doing. I love him, and it's weird saying that because now I know that before him I never loved anyone before. Period. He's my best friend, my lover, my everything.
School has gone really well this semester. I actually really like it. I applied to UNH to transfer a few weeks ago (as did Chris), and I'm really nervous! I hope I get in. I've always done well in school, but I'm still really scared. I don't exactly have a back up plan. That's probably really stupid on my part.
I've also been really hateful lately. I think it's just because I hate being here so much. Hopefully my vacation will clear this up in a few days.
My kidneys have been bothering me, too. I don't have anymore stones (thank God), but I am possibly experiencing acute kidney failure. I have to have a lot more tests done. It sucks, but I knew that it was pretty much inevitable. I've had kidney/urinary problems since I was a baby. The pain is the worst part. For the most part it's constant, but sometimes it's a lot more intense than others. It's this indescribable sharp pain in my lower back. I count myself lucky, though. I could have a lot worse medical problems than this. I've also been extremely lucky to have a boyfriend, two best friends, a mother, and grandparents that have been supportive as possible. Being sick has really made me appreciate things I didn't appreciate before and honestly, probably took for granted. Through all the pain and everything, for that I am thankful.